Struggling
I want to make this week’s blog more personal. Typically, I am a very private person, except with a select few people who are in my closest circle. I don’t like large crowds of people. Being the center of attention is very stressful for me. It’s extremely hard for me to take a compliment because I am an overachiever and most of the time, I feel like I fall short ... .I struggle just like the rest of you.
Lately, my struggles are with my son and daughter who are both on the autism spectrum. I feel lately that I can’t get any time to just breathe and have some peaceful moments. I want to take you into a part of my life, a part that no one really sees and very few people know.
Today is day number 6 that my son has been at home. He’s not feeling that great. His throat is hurting and he’s just plain miserable and I mean miserable. He will wake me up to tell me how crappy he feels like for the past few days at 5 am or before and he will be going on about it for a while. I worry about how much school he is missing and inwardly I get angry because every day he does this, I have to change my entire day around. It may be some work I have to do that I need to cancel. It may be an appointment I need to go on that I have to change. It may be just some shopping that I had to do. I feel inwardly frustrated but sometimes this comes across in my tone of voice or my actions.
Then there is my daughter. She’s always needing rides to and from the Go train. She’s always sending me messages about what she needs me to pick up for her and it is always for a deadline on that particular day. She’s stressed a lot of the time with the amount of school work that she has to complete. I never know what I am going to get when her bedroom door opens.
Then there is my husband. He works so incredibly hard trying to make sure that we are provided for. Most of the time, he is working 7 days a week in some capacity or another. He is involved in many different things. He is the curriculum chairperson for the Special Education Committee for the Toronto Catholic School Board in Toronto, a volunteer position he took to try to help make changes for children with special needs at school. He is an amazing provider with very little down time. Many of our conversations happen over text.
The bulk of our daily family things are with me, which most of the time is fine. But when you live in “autismland" (you’ll understand the term if you read my last blog) it’s not always that easy.
For example, the simplest things in our home can trigger chaos. When our son is not feeling himself or irritated, every little thing bothers him, including when our dog barks which can happen a lot during the course of a day. When our son is feeling his normal self, everything is fine. But the past few days have been one of those times when the dog barks, he gets upset, so I am trying to get our dog to be quiet as well as calmly talk to our son. We have been working on our emotions so it is important to be able to talk about the different ones and how they can make us feel.
Meanwhile, inside I am screaming as loud as I can because I am so frustrated that I can’t even go over to Metro because I don’t know what I will find when I return.
God has taught me patience abundantly. Whenever I feel like I can’t stand another minute, I pray and he gives me the strength to handle the things in front of me. I rely on Him and I could not get through a day without him. God gave me this life and I want to honour him by raising our children in his image.
God does not make mistakes. He gave me this life, my children, my spouse, and all the chaos that comes along with this. It is part of his plan for me and I need to always trust that He will guide me through each day and give me enough strength to handle each situation.
I’m not perfect, but I am a work in progress, a work in God’s image. The situations God has put in front of me have not only strengthened my faith but allowed me to lean on God because I know that He is not only holding my hand each day and He is guiding me.
For those of you who have children with special needs, you will understand the struggles. For those of you reading this who cannot relate to this, that’s alright. The point is that we all face struggles every day. Some of them are easy and some are more challenging, but if we put our faith and trust in God, He will help us through them and He will make us stronger in our dependence on Him.
God is good. He will not fail us.
I pray with you all today that you reach out to God in your time of need, that you “cast all of your cares upon Him because He cares for you.”
Shelly Wedge
Exceptional Family Ministries Coordinator
Amberlea Church